One day at school at the lesson of oral and written speech Irina Vladimirovna (our teacher) offered to play "association game". It’s a kind of game where you need to express your view about some concept. Different topics had been touched upon... the winter, the sun, trust, hatred, all in all, a huge set of unrelated words. At the end of the lesson, someone shouted: "What do you associate with the word “love”?". Everybody began to say warm, tender and sometimes airy explanations - harmony, light, trust, joy. And only in my head there appeared one association - a snake. The teacher gazed at me, and the classmates could not understand why love is associated with a snake. "Love, like a snake, is writhing around you, around your body, all your thoughts and movements are focused just on it. And only his Majesty The Chance can help you and you will be freed from it, or Vice versa - the snake doesn’t retreat and painfully stings you, injecting a portion of poison in your blood that is sometimes even fraught with death." That’s how I explained this independent and illogical word "love" when I was 14.
Much time has passed, but that lesson stuck in my memory forever. Moreover, this explanation of the word "Love" settled firmly in my mind, only added with more lucid and proven arguments to such non-standard and illogical association for most people.
I can't explain why everything is so gloomy and overcast with this complicated feeling from my side. I'm not a pessimist, I didn't have incredible shocks and disappointments in life. Of course, there were tears, suffering, sleepless nights and even the attempts to realize some rash decisions. But, I think, everyone has got it in his life. After all, that is what we are living for - not only to rejoice and be in the state of euphoria, but also to be aware of our mistakes and inappropriate actions in order not to repeat them in future.
By now I can't understand myself, why I’m always grasping something completely foreign and unnecessary after all! Why am I suffering not for those who truly deserve it?! Knowing this or that option is doomed to failure, I still do not throw away the useless for everyone idea?! And these "whys" are numerous... I've told myself thousands of times: "You don't need it! Forget about it! Throw away! Leave it!" But nothing of the sort... In the end, I’m back at the same point.
Still, I suppose I haven't had that very spark ignited in me. The one we all are living for, the spark that will make my heart tremble not with pain, disappointment and emptiness, but with joy, happiness and understanding of what your body and soul is merged with same-like and they cannot imagine the existence without each other. Perhaps, after that, "love" will become something else for me. Maybe then, playing “association game”, I'll boldly declare that “love” is the feast, the carnival; it’s like a melodious song, the trill of a nightingale; The ocean, the abyss, the flame, the dawn, the spring ................ And lots of hot, fiery and beautiful will be said about so usual and still inexplicable feeling that is called “love”.
But for now it is still the same old snake that bites every time more and more painfully; the snake sometimes bringing you to the point of exhaustion and hopelessness; the snake enjoying your suffering... But I believe good will triumph over evil one day, and then this association will leave me, my body and my fragile soul forever.